In Love With The Idea Of Love.

I just realised that the reason I don't want anyone special in my life is because I'm in love with the idea that somewhere out there, there is someone meant for me to find. I guess, I am a hopeless romantic after all. I'm so in love with this idea that even if love does come knocking on my door and is staring me in the face, I would probably slam the door shut in it's face.

Maybe I like this idea so much because it makes life feel longer. It ignites in us the hope that there is still one more chapter unlike any other to come, that would change our lives.
I'm not sure if this tendency is self-destructive or rather romantic. I think, a little bit of both.

Dornbirn Weihnachtsmarkt 2015

Which brings me to the other question: what should I do about "I"?

I like him, but I like me more.
I like being alone. I am more productive that way. I guess, I'm just in love with the idea of being alone.

Sounds weird, right?
I know.

A few months back, I could have sworn that I just wanted that one person who would be willing to be there and put in the time and effort. Something changed in me after I came back from India, after the summer vacation. I can't put my finger at what exactly changed.

In the beginning, when I could not imagine myself being in a long term relationship with anyone I thought that something in me had broken. Now, I think that something actually fixed itself inside me. Something that probably wasn't even broken to begin with, hell, it probably didn't exist. It's more like a piece of the puzzle that had been missing, was finally put in place. Hence completing the puzzle.

Luschnouar Christkindlemarkt 

It is weird as to how much has changed in a year, and how almost nothing has changed. This time last year, I was still heartbroken, trying to get my life in order. Although not heartbroken, I'm again trying to get my life back on track. Oddly enough, not knowing what I'll be doing same time next year, pleases me.

All About The Goodbyes?

I wonder if things would have been different if he had chosen me. I don't let myself think about this because I know what I have today, who I am today, is because he didn't choose me, and I like me right now.
But right now, sitting at the table with a cup of tea by my side, I'm letting myself wonder for the first time: what if?.

Would we still be together? Would I still become the person I am today? Would he change with me or would we grow apart?

The saddest part of all, it doesn't matter anymore. I remember when I felt so incomplete without him, when I expected to find a part of him in others. I remember thinking that I'd probably never have something like that with someone else in my life, that it was a once in a lifetime kind of a thing.
Maybe it was, but over time, I kind of forgot that whenever I met him my throat would constrict, and not like in the movies because I was in love, but because even though he was my best friend in the whole entire world at that point, I always felt the need to impress him. Maybe it would have been different if I hadn't fallen in love with him, but the one thing I've learned is that when you love someone you don't feel the need to impress them, especially since you thought he was too important to you for you to fake it with him.

Because I love her stupid-ass,even thought she doesn't read my blog :P

Now I'm not saying it was all bad because I would be lying. He did make me feel loved and safe, it's just that sometimes when we love someone, we hold on too damn hard to them because we are hopeless romantics, and because we are so afraid that something this good won't happen twice, that somehow we don't deserve it. We believe every love to be our last. I guess that's what makes it so beautiful but at what cost?

What if we had it wrong all along? What if relationships weren't ever about the famous forever but rather about learning all that you could about yourself with the help of a person, and then when the time came, to bid your goodbyes?

What if it was all about the goodbyes?

Ever since we were kids, we were taught that the people who count stay, and I guess they do, but if you really think about it, the people who made the deepest impressions on us weren't the ones who stayed. It was the ones who left us or were left behind.

Yes, goodbyes hurt but that thing that you feel when you leave something that matters behind, when you turn a new page and have a blank slate, oh God, that feeling is indescribable. It is what sustains us, what motivates us to do better..to be better in the future.

What if life was about the goodbyes?

Dreams That Make Us Breathless.

I think that all the new people we meet after a while are just people who come and go.

As they enter our lives, we have already excepted the fact that they are here only for a little while. So we get over them. It hurts but once we get over their loss, we survive as though nothing ever happened.

It's the people we met and loved while growing up that leave a mark when they leave us. I don't think we can ever forget them, much less get over them. They are the people we expected to stay and be our families- through thick and thin. People we thought who will somehow always be there for the big moments in our lives.

A lot of them stay but every once in a while there is the one who got away because you were too stupid to admit you liked them.

It isn't as if you just sit around and mope about your entire life. You just get breathless every once in a while by a memory or dream about them, where you two aren't strangers, and when you wake up, you realise, you were so happy in that dream, even though things weren't perfect, you were so fucking happy.

Long Time, No See.

So I haven't written in a while now. I honestly did not know what I should write about. It isn't that nothing's happening in my life. It's just that most things aren't all that important that I'd write about them. Well, everything except this one thing.

Anyways here I am sitting on the eve of a test finally writing. I'm staying with this family for the time being, until I get my new apartment. Honestly, they are the best ever.

Apart from that I'm kind of lost.

No more deep philosophical posts for the time being.

Yesterday I was speaking to one of my best friends, and somehow I started speaking about gym and how I've become fat (well not by normal standards but if you track your growth, then you know what I mean. After three days of not going to the gym you feel as if you are ten pounds heavier), so anyways she kind off blew her top off.

Turns out I just have two very exciting things in my life: the gym and boys.
Well, I refute the boys comment. Frankly, my love life is my proof. IT'S NON-EXISTENT. :P
I do talk a lot about gym related things but only because that truly is the one thing right now that I like and that makes me happy.

I guess, I just forget that my friends aren't really into it, and then it can naturally be fucking boring when someone just drones on and on about how heavy they squatted and what their PR is.

But yeah, I do get her point. This is kind-off like my hair obsession from last year.

Anyways that's it for right now. I still need to study for tomorrow. Bye. :)

Aim For The Moon And Fail.

I have been wondering as to what I want.
I am eighteen and I already think that I will always have to choose, that I cannot have everything.
But it isn't supposed to be this way. I look around me and I see people who are not afraid of going after what they want. They aren't ridiculed for wanting something or being passionate about something. They are encouraged to pursue their passions in a practical way.
I guess it's the way we were brought up. Even before we know what we want, we just dismiss the idea as unobtainable.
It's sad, really.
We are supposed to be the future. We are supposed to believe in ourselves and our futures.
Instead we berate ourselves for aiming too high.

What we fail to see is that if your aim is the moon and you fail, you are still in space.
So, yes, aiming for the moon and failing is better than aiming for an apple tree and reaching it.

Sometimes, That Is Enough.

I met a few people from my German course (MMB) yesterday. It felt as if no time had passed, yet there we were, the four of us, after almost two years.
It is hard to believe that two years have already vanished, since the last time we sat in those classes, five days out of the week for a stretch of four hours everyday.
I honestly never thought I'd meet any of them ever again. Just goes to show, that life turns out to be very different than what we originally planned for it to be.

For example, I did not see myself ever writing a blog, that too one that people I know, know about. I always saw myself studying something like Economics or Political Science or something, that is, after I gave up on being an astronautical engineer. (Yes, astronautical and not aeronautical. Both the terms are right. The term "astronautical" is specifically for the construction of rockets.)

Either ways, I did not ever imagine myself studying Textile Management.
But you know what?
I like it. Weirdly enough.

It is weird, the amount of people you meet along the road. More often than not, they are there for a specific amount of time and then they take a new road, one that is right for them.
But every so often, everyone calls a time out, and kind off retraces their steps for a few hours, to reminisce about lost times and lost friends.

After my course, I just couldn't believe that this was then end of the road for 'D' and me. I mean life is way too long for this to be the end. I didn't know how or when or why we would meet again. All I knew is that THIS couldn't have been the end.
Look at us now, we did find our way back to each other. Albeit, in a way I had never anticipated.

In a few weeks, we may again be strangers, but for now we've found each other. Sometimes, that is enough.

The Beauty Of Life.

Photo Credits: Gourav Konar

Instagram: konargourav

Does everything and everyone come into our lives just to leave?
Well then what are all those sappy movies about?
I guess, it is the nature of life. You let things and people go, so that, other things, better things can come into our lives. At least, that's what we tell ourselves.

Just yesterday, I was crying about how no one stays, and today I remembered why I love travelling, why I moved to Austria in the first place, why I would move again...because that is what life is about, exploring everything the world has to offer us.

I guess, I need to remind myself that a lot of people have left, but in place of them, I met a plethora of amazing people, whom, maybe, I never might have had the pleasure of knowing, if these people hadn't left me. And the ones, that wanted to stay, have stayed.

You know what?

Life is way to long to ever know for sure, who has really left you.
The one thing I have learnt is that life has amazing things planned for you. Things, you, yourself hadn't envisioned for yourself and for those around you.
It has a way of getting people who really matter back to you.

That, is the beauty of life.

The Aftermath.

Can we ever truly look at someone or talk to someone, whom we were once in love with, and not feel anything?

The thing is, I never really figured out, if I ever was in love with him. All I knew, was that he was someone very special to me. Even now, after all these years, I still don't know.

After last night, I do think, a part of me, was indeed, a little in love with him. It's just that the 'fifteen year old' me denied whatever I felt by stating all theses reasons as to why it was stupid and wrong. How HE was wrong. How he was not the kind of person I wanted or needed.

Growing up, you realise that every person, you fall for, is in some part, exactly what you have always wanted.

 Plus as it turns out, he was exactly what I needed at that point in my life.

So, I finally, finally, met him last night, after God knows how many years.

The aftermath was not something that I had not anticipated.

I broke down, crying, on my way home.

So the question is: Can we ever really fall out of love with someone, or do we just master the art of numbing ourselves to the pain their memories bring up on most days?

A Mental And An Emotional Drain.

After months of me wishing that I hadn't deleted his number, "A" messaged me.
Now that he has, I don't know what to do about it.
I know, I want to meet him, but what after that?

What did I do after seeing his message, you ask?
I replied to him and then I deactivated WhatsApp from my phone.

I had already decided on deactivating it before I even switched to my Austrian number and saw his message.

A part of me did want to wait for his reply, albeit a very teeny tiny part of me.
Honestly, I'm done waiting. I've wanted to deactivate my account for a few weeks now, well ever since the last time I deactivated it. It's just that there was always someone or something I was waiting for.
Truth be told, I should just permanently sign off WhatsApp, because I cannot for the life of me concentrate on writing, when I do use it.
I start writing but I just can't seem to be able to finish what I've started writing.

For example, do you know that I have almost five to six half written posts just lying around that I cannot seem to finish writing?

Apart from that, did you know that I can manage to get sucked into everyones emotions whirlwind.
I don't mind it, but what am I supposed to do if the person doesn't want to talk to me about it?

How do you expect me to help you if you don't tell me what the problem is?

It might sound horrible, but don't such people just drain you- mentally and emotionally?

EIGHTEEN.

I am eighteen. I am eighteen.

It finally hit me.

I AM EIGHTEEN!!

What made me realise it?

My dysfunctional life. 

After so long I feel as if I don't have everything sorted out and that is fine because although I may feel old as fuck, most days of my life. Truth be told, I am still young. Sure I'm not fifteen anymore. You know what? Fuck being fifteen.

Eighteen isn't all that bad either.

I have my career more or less figured out. 

I have an amazing family, who think that the most affective way to wake me up in the morning, is by jumping on me. (I KNOW RIGHT?)

And I have friends, with whom I can talk about anything.

Last but not the least, I finally have a dysfunctional love life. Well, sort-off.

So life isn't all that bad right now. Actually..it's Pretty Freaking Great.

Random picture from the School Life vs College Life video.

Looking Through A Window.

With some people, you will always be looking in from the outside, like looking through a window.

Yesterday I realised that some people never will understand. No matter how much you try to make them understand, they just never will.

It isn't even their fault. They are just incapable of seeing things from your perspective.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Some people just understand you so well. They may be strangers, but still, they are so discerningly familiar. Almost like an extension of you.

The others might have grown up with you but a part of them will always remain foreign to you.

Sometimes two people just aren't compatible but most of the times, it is we ourselves, that build up these walls that prevent people from connecting with us.

The one thing I have learnt is that no matter how many walls you build up, some people just tear through all of them and get under your skin. They just do.

It's the most unexpected people that manage to do that. For example, it might be that boy who sits next to you in the subway, whom you don't really speak to, instead of your childhood friend who supposedly knows everything about you.

With some people, you will always be looking in from the outside, like looking through a window.

The Beauty In The Cluelessness Of Youth.

(Photo Credits: endlosen
Instagram.com/endlosen)

There is something amazing about disconnecting from the world.
I know, I'm not disconnected. I'm still writing this blog and I'm still posting on Instagram.
And I still use Snapchat. Kind-off.
But I'm still disconnected.
Yesterday, I spoke to someone I hadn't spoken to in a while.
You know what?
It felt good.
And then I spoke to Pree. Speaking to her just cleared my mind.
I haven't been this clear-headed in a hot minute now. Maybe it's the writing. Maybe it's the disconnecting.
Maybe, just maybe, it's the fact that I've realised that somethings in life just happen that once. I have to learn to accept it.
Some things and some people are just exceptions, that turn your world upside down. You won't come across them all that often in life, but when you do, you'll know it. You will know, without a doubt, that they..that they are here to change your life.

My problem is that I refuse to believe that I can't or rather won't find someone like that again.
The first time around, I had accepted the fact, that I'd never feel like that again.
But you see, the thing is, I did. I did feel again. I felt and it felt as if every bone in my body was alive.
For once I felt as if this could work out again.

As if the only reason I didn't have an umbrella to protect me in the rain, was so that someone could show me the beauty in getting drenched. Not alone, but rather along with someone else. Satisfied knowing that although I had no idea where I was going, the person along with me, was just as clueless. Because there is a certain beauty in the cluelessness of youth.

                                                                                    (Photo Credits: endlosen
                                                                                 Instagram.com/endlosen)

A Book Holds Many Secrets.

“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Star

For the very first time, I see the beauty of John Green's books. I never really understood what made people love them. I never cared much for the plot itself. It's just that, in almost every book of his that I have read, I've found this one quote or this one thought, that one of the characters has, that resonates with my core. It makes me believe that I'm not alone.

The feeling when you read exactly what you've been thinking in a book, written by someone you've never met, that captures, what you feel or at one point have felt so strongly about, so perfectly. As if, you yourself might have, someday, sat down with him, and explained to him, why you feel that way.

But today, I understand the beauty of his books. They aren't perfect. Most of the times, they are heartbreaking. But isn't that what we, humans, are?

We aren't perfect. A lot of times in life, we don't get our happy endings, but despite it all, we forge on.

When our heart gets broken, we try to mend it, piece by piece, inch by inch,  in the hope, that one day, we may forget, that it was ever broken.

I-Love-You-So-Much-Best-Friend Kind-Off A Post.

So I've written about a lot of people I love, but it dawned on me, that I've almost never written about one of my best friends, whom I've known since the end of seventh grade. So, yeah, for more than six years. 

Aanchal & I, we've been through a lot of shit together, that most best friends don't go through, but you know what, our friendship withstood it all. 

We aren't perfect. We can be dumb as fuck. And we always fall for the wrong people. 

But she's always there, whenever I've needed to whine about some guy or gossip about someone, or just needed someone to be there for me.
So I guess this is another I-Love-You-So-Much-Best-Friend kind-off a post.

Vodka And Beer Aren't Compatible.

Drinking for two consecutive days, was not a good idea.

Day before yesterday, I met my school friends, and we'd gone bar hopping. Although we didn't really get drunk because we'd stuffed ourselves to the brim with food, it was so much fun. I had not had that much fun is so so long. On top of that, on Monday was the Karaoke Night, and I sang!!!
THRICE!!! Haha I know, right?? Mad.

(Don't judge my creepy eyes.)

Anyways and then yesterday, I'd gone to college yesterday, as I was a participant for Aanchal's Psych-Experiment, and then met Kunal, Dinaz and all. Somehow we decided to go to my place, since there was no one there.

Once there, we called for drinks and food. A lot of food. I'm pretty sure, if I was in Austria, it would have taken me three days to finish it. X_X (No judgement, alright?)

It was absolutely epic.
We played Charades, and Anku, Kunal and me won.
I took Priyanka piggy back. By the way, she wasn't in the least bit heavy.

Lastly, Kunal had this amazing idea of mixing the leftover Vodka with Foster's (Beer)!!!
It tasted pretty okay-ish, but fuck, once I came home, did all hell break out.

So at first, I was fine. I even contemplated, going to the gym. Within an hour, I literally couldn't even move. Every time, I moved as much as a limb, I felt as if one of the two things might happen: Either my stomach might burst like a balloon, or, I'd vomit.

Let me just tell you, in case you were wondering, NOT A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

But you know what, I'd do it all over again, because days like these, spent with best friends, are what life is about. You know when you laugh so much that your stomach literally pains, and you get this feeling of contentment, as if this is exactly where you belong.

(Just some additional swag from my time in RCUPG last year :P)

A Balance.

I think, it is extremely rare to find your inner voice. It has always been there, inside us, the only difference now is, that you've finally let it be heard.

At first, I used to do everything practically, or at least try to, but soon I realised that, that particular approach wasn't exactly working for me. So then came the period in my life, where I did what "felt right", and in doing so, I never regretted anything. I did what I wanted to, because I wanted to do it.

I didn't indulge in any thoughts of whether it would be acceptable, is it normal, etc, etc.

You get the point.

Of late, I don't exactly know what I should be doing. I think, I'm trying to achieve something in between those two above mentioned stages: A balance.

For example: I don't know what I should do about the entire Matthew situation. The practical part of me knows I should let him be, but then yesterday, again, I was talking to these two people, who do not even know him, and somehow, already decided that he wasn't good enough for their best friend.

After everything, after me complaining about what a fucked up friend he was to me, I didn't hesitate for even a heartbeat before taking his side. Like what the fuck, of course he is good enough for their stupid best friend. He's more than good enough. This kind-off makes me wonder, what exactly am I doing, if I do not even have to think for a nanosecond, after all his crap, before saying with utter confidence, that, he is an amazing person.

I think my problem is, that because at one point he was so like me, and still reminds me of me, I just hold out hope, that he can change, if he just has someone there, who believes in him, like the way I changed. 

 (Because I love them to the moon and back.)

Great Things Take Time.

I literally deleted an entire post because I realised that I've been writing about the same shit over and over again, and that those things don't matter enough to me for me to be writing about them. I used to love writing because I used to write about stuff that mattered to me. Something I haven't been doing for a while now.
So here's to a new beginning.

When I was younger, say about three years back, I heard these magic stories about people, who joined the gym and somehow magically lost 20 kgs in a span of two or so months.
Let me just say, BULL-FUCKING-SHIT.

Okay, what we weren't told then, was that it requires hard work and dedication. I started going religiously to the gym about a few months back. Before that, I used to go, but on a twice or thrice (when I was lucky) per week basis. The problem wasn't that I didn't like it. The problem lay in getting myself back in the gym after a rest day. Fast forward to a few months back, when I genuinely started loving going to the gym. I'm not sure how it exactly happened. I just know that now, I literally have to make an effort to not go to the gym.

I think the change came about when I stopped being so self-consious and actually went and tried out new things about which I'd previously researched. I realised that there were so many things and machines that I had never even thought of experimenting with.
One other thing that helped me is getting over my shy side when it came to asking others for help, because let's face it, we all need help at the gym, even if it's only to spot us.

The only way you will get any results or gains at the gym is with hard work and determination. Don't fret if you don't get that to that desired number at that very second because great things take time. So don't give up.

India, you are missed.

Most of the times, if we allow ourselves to, happiness can be found in the most mundane things. Sometimes it can be found in the comforting embrace of nostalgia.

You know those times when you are wondering as to why you are feeling so numb and then you see something or someone and a cacophony of emotions flood over you, this is exactly what happened to me a few minutes back when I stalking (What?? We all do it) my best friends Instagram profile and saw all these pictures of us from last year before I came to Austria and I suddenly realised how much I miss home and how much I miss her. Until that moment, the fact that I was away from home or from my best friends never really bothered me. But honestly, I'm ready to come home for a very very long summer. ♥
P.S. I miss each and every one of you: Kunal, Ankita, Pree, Sarah, Saher, Goardss...
I just happened to have being stalking Dinaz's profil. X_X

The Person I Want To Be.

So I’m sitting here listening to Fix You by Coldplay, in my room on a normal Monday, trying to learn for my pending Math SA (test), when I started thinking about the kind of person I want to be, and I realised I want to be what I am right now. Despite everything I turned out to be a pretty decent person. I want to be nice and do nice things for other people. I want to be able to let go of anger towards others who wronged me and I want to be able to forgive; others and myself. I want to do what I want. Sure there may be times when I doubt myself and my decisions, when I’m scared of making a choice, a change, for it may turn my entire world upside down, but I want to be able to forge ahead despite the fear of change. I want to live up to my own expectations and standards and not to those, set by others. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be different. I want to make a change, no matter how small or inconsequential it might seen. And above all, I want to be happy.

Lustenau 2014.

Getting Back My Former Best Friend.

Okay, so I have this weird urge to write. Something, that I haven't experienced in quite a while. Just when I needed a computer, all of them were already occupied (P.S. I'm in school).

I realised, although I worked very hard to change myself and frankly went to hell and back, that now I'm just throwing that fact in peoples' face and that not everyone's felt that severe disappointment in themselves, that would motivate them to turn their life around. Most of my now closest friends don't even get what I'm talking about because they didn't know me back then.
The people, who do realise what I really mean are Gorad and all (actually only Gorad). Even she wasn't there when the actual transition first started.

The only person, who knows and understands what I mean, apart from me (and my family, maybe?), is A.

Yesterday it just hit me, when I was thinking about how D wasn't even there then, that A and I, we survived things that people only hope that they'd have someone there, supporting them when shit hits the fan. And I really mean it from a best friends point of view.

It makes me wonder for the first time ever, if I should try to somehow get in touch with him again. If what we had, was probably worth another try to get my former best friend back?

We'd never again be what we used to be, but you know what, that's okay. Maybe it IS okay that things won't be the same.

For some reason I no longer want the same kind off friendship/relationship with him anymore.

EIGHTEEN IS NO AGE FOR LIFE TO TURN MUNDANE.

I was just reading my previous posts, and it just seems as if an entirely different person wrote them. Someone braver, someone who wasn't afraid of making mistakes, who knew her mind but at the same always kept finding out something new about herself. Someone who accepted change.

I've realised that I've somehow gotten stuck in a rut. In the past two months I don't remember anything particular changing about me, other than my hair colour for a few days.
Which makes me wonder: What am I doing with my life?
I literally wasted my eighteenth birthday, something that's supposed to be memorable. And not just because you can finally drink here, but because eighteen years ago on this very day, something special happened. Something that resulted in me being here, at this very moment, doing what I am doing right now. 
What did I do, you ask. Let me tell you. NOTHING.

I feel as if I should be doing something with my life, as if I should be doing everything that my younger self thought I'd be doing at eighteen. I mean we get only one chance at this life. If we're too scared to even take that one chance, then what are we really left with? 

You know what, that will be my new resolution. I want to do everything, that I at some point in my life dreamed of doing at eighteen. After all this life is too short for it to be treated as something mundane.

Something I Would Never Do.

I think I settled. That's what happened. Can that be true? But at some point in life we just have to decide that this is it, this is what we are to do. It just happens that I've already decided. I know that there was a valid reason for me choosing this. I wanted something, something that motivated me. And this was my way to getting closer to it, but did I in the process, just settle for something that no longer excites me? Settling. Something I'd promised myself I'd never do.

We've Outgrown Each Other.

So I haven't posted in a while. There really wasn't much to write about. I know, my life's sad as fuck.

I just realised that no matter how much you love someone, or rather loved someone before, it makes absolutely no difference when you've moved on with your life. I meant, love someone as a friend loves a friend, rather than being in love with someone.

It's weird how the very things that at one point seemed to be the reason for an amazing friendship, seem to be exactly why a future relationship with that person may never work out. In the past few years I've realised that you outgrow people, even the ones you love. They may always hold a special place in your heart, but that is about it.
Which brings me to the question: Exactly how many people outgrew me?

It doesn't seem to bother me, I guess because now I understand that some people just aren't good for you, and that you HAVE to put yourself first.

The thing is I've become so accustomed to being able to judge who would be a good influence in my life, and most of the times I'm right, that every so often I want to be proved wrong. I want people to astonish me and make me realise that they are more, more than what I estimated them to be. Just like I wanted him to prove me wrong. I wanted him to bet on himself for once. Truth be said, I was almost sad as to what could have been, or rather what could be.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too scared of falling off of the edge. I think my problem is that I know exactly for what I'd be willing to risk everything, and sometimes I just push people away, or rather do not even end up giving them a chance, because I know beforehand that they just don't possess what I need, or rather desire from them. At first I just accepted it as a part of growing up, but to be honest I don't want to grow up. Sometimes I still want to be that 13 year old girl, who loved going to school because everyday there was something new to gossip about. 

Help Is Found Where It Is Needed To Be Found.

You know I am a big believer of the fact that, we do need help every once in while and that ninety percent of the time we have to ask for the help that we need. There's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it.But then where do we draw the line and realise that the help we are getting is simply making us dependent on someone else and that it is time to stand up and help ourselves. A lot of times in life YOU will have to help yourself-maybe because no one else is there to lean on, or because you are the only one who truly understands the situation at hand. Whatever the reason there may be many a times in your life where you will simply have to be your own hero.

For example: A few years back I thought that asking for help or rather needing help is a sign of weakness. Something that I thought I could never afford to be: Weak. But then I realised that everyone needs a little help from time to time, that I didn't always have to be so put together and strong and that it was okay to tell people how I felt.. I still remember the very first time that I told anyone how I felt, how I really felt and how much it hurt sometimes. I felt as if someone had taken a huge weight off of my shoulders. I think, that was one of the bravest things I've ever done in my life:deciding to seek help, to let someone close to me see me for who I am, without all the gloss, understanding that maybe the person may not be there for me tomorrow, but that it was high time and that if we were to be friends then it was all or nothing. He had to take the good with the bad. And frankly that was one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

But then a few months back I realised that I was seeking or rather trying to seek a little too much of help. I was constantly waiting for someone else to come along and take the load off of my chest and be my hero, until I realised that it was upto me to deal with my own problems and that sometimes in life there isn't really anyone there who can help you the way you want them to.

At such times in life you have to be able to look to yourself for the help you seek. 

Take The Initiative.

There is so much to see and so much to do in this world, still more often than not we feel the helplessness of the monotony of our lives. The irony being that we can change that at any given point of our lives. It doesn't always have to be some big gesture, sometimes it's the small things. Things that you encounter in your every day life.

For example two days back I had gone swimming with my brother and my cousin, there was this diving station that was still open and I remember I was so scared to dive off because it had been years since I'd done that. There was this one time when I literally went up and then came back down. But after some time I just felt like a hypocrite: here I was telling my siblings that there was nothing to be scared of..that it was just water or that they were just people, and that if You wanted something then it's You that has to take the initiative.

So towards the end of the evening I did end up diving..of course it wasn't perfect but still what counts is that I did it. 

So I guess my point is that you can turn your life around at any time you like. My turning point wasn't this diving episode but rather the long process that led me to making that decision despite how scared I was.

Finally The Truth.

After eighteen years of ever changing aspirations I finally worked out what I want to do. It still weird that in just two weeks I went from studying for college entrance exams to deciding that I actually don not want to to go to college. It was hard to accept that going to a university like any average person wasn't going to bring me what I craved, especially when all you've been dreaming about since you were 13 years old is GOING TO COLLEGE!

So to realise that you were consciously giving up a dream is heartbreaking, but you know what: dreams change. Originally my dream was to attend an Ivy League, and not until I flunked my eleventh grade did I realise that somewhere along the line I had lost sight of my dream, which hurt because I knew I could be more..that I was MORE. So then in the 12th grade when a lot of people were partying and just chilling I was actually busting my ass to finish my German course, and you know what it felt fucking amazing to learn something knew and to meet new people. People who were ambitious. It was then that I realised that I had become so used to everything around me being mediocre that even when I shined, I was basically just the best among the mediocre. And that is unacceptable. So I busted my ass all through the 12th grade, even though I no longer could attend the colleges of my choice. Then somehow I got fixated on Harvard Law School. 

It was the only thing that got me to get through those days when everything seemed to be crashing around me. It hurt to think that everyone I considered a friend had moved on without me and that I was the only one left behind somehow. I still remember practicing Accounts almost everyday for 3 to 4 months before the boards, and then having that blackout during the long study break before the Accounts exam. I know right...WHAT.THE.FUCK? 

I still remember seeing my marks and that feeling when I saw the number 90 next to Accounts. 

Then came the tears because all through those months before the Boards my mantra was 80%. It was that 80% that got me to open my books even on the most horrible days, when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out.

Guess what I scored...79.08%

Like are fucking kidding me!!

I literally remember locking the bedroom door and crying. 

Anyways all through the summer vacation I again was studying, this time around for the SAT, even though I was too late to apply to most of the places. I gave my first SAT after only one month of prep,which I thought went horribly but the scores ending up being pretty decent. Anyways I gave the SAT again, although by the end of this one my heart wasn't really in it anymore and by the end of it I'd pretty much just given up. 

After that I was supposed to stay in Switzerland for two months, which didn't pan out since I was under eighteen and what not.

Somehow I found myself choosing BMM in UPG, which I thought would be horrible. There ended up meeting my long lost best friend again- Dinaz. I still remember the amount of screaming and OMGs when we figured out that not only are we in the studying in the same college or rather in the same field but also that we were in the same class. And just like that we were best friends again. It didn't matter that we hadn't really spoken spoken in years, we used the term best friend as easily as saying that we need to breathe. It's something that just is. As simple as that.

UPG was amazing, even Roteract. I never thought that I'd have the balls to enact a street play on Juhu Beach or in front of almost a 100 people. Like WHAT!!!

After that I got the confirmation for my Austrian Visa. I think it was then when it actually felt real that I might actually leave. What sucked was that I really liked UPG and my course. But I still knew that if I didn't leave now then sometime in the future I'd be regretting the decision of not going just because I was scared. That is something that I promised myself I never ever want to feel ever again.

So ended up coming here to Austria even after all the doubts that I had. Vanshika still thinks that I am fully bonkers for coming here. :P (P.S. hi Vanhuuuuu.. in case you ever end up reading this)

On the very first day of school (yes school...don't ask. The education system here is way to complicated to explain in a blog) Lalita was assigned to help me out with last years basics since my smart-ass directly landed in the second year and completely missed out the first year. Anyways I wonder what would've happened if that day Wohlgennant( my teacher) hadn't told her to help me, even though I couldn't speak fluent German and she could speak negligible english. Anyways fast forward to now, we're best friends and yes after 9 months we finally do understand each other :P

After I came here I met so many different types of people, but most of all I figured out what kind off people I want around me in my life. Somewhere along the heartbreak, the studying and the occasional  getting drunk I became someone who was not afraid of new things or awkward situations. Most of the times I'd know exactly how awkward things would get but I did them anyways because I really wanted to do them. I said what I wanted and did what I wanted. When I say that I don't mean getting drunk like what most people associate with no parents and absolute freedom. I meant I literally did what I wanted to in my day to day life and the day to day decisions that I made (eg: I remember when I used to live in Lustenau, every Saturday I'd go to the supermarket in my night suit which at the time was my black Jamnabai hoodie and pink pyjamas.. like I don't think my mom would've ever let me do that at home or rather I wouldn't have wanted to do that back home).

Once I came here I met people who studied because they actually wanted to STUDY that. Not because of the college or because it was a better course but because they were interested in that subject. There was no shame in owning up and saying that although what you're studying may be interesting but might not end up resulting in an actual career. If it doesn't work out then you simply study something else later on. Isn't that amazing?

I realised that I don't want the average life: college, then a job in the same firm in the same city in the same country, and then probably wondering to yourself one day: 'If only I'd mustered up the courage that day to decide to pursue my dreams rather than waiting for that someday.'

I want to travel, to meet new people and see new places. Learn new languages and keep moving. 

So why wait for that someday?

University doesn't afford me that luxury, and anything or anyone that doesn't nudge you in the direction of your goals should be left behind. Why should it be any different now?

So I guess this is a goodbye Uni. Peace out.

You Come First. Always.

When I was younger I always wondered how people could walk away from things and from people without ever looking back. Turns out sometimes you just have to leave the people or the things that hold you down and suppress you behind. No matter how much it hurts, it needs to be done..for your own good. A lot of people confuse self-preservation with selfishness. If taking care of yourself and your well-being is selfish, then by all means, be selfish. You come first. You. So if you have to leave some people in your past because you recognise that no matter how much you love them and no matter how much they mean to you,they just aren't good for you. Then so be it. There is no need for you to feel guilty or for you to explain yourself for choosing to take care of yourself.

At the same time we need to realise that sometimes we are not good for others and that sometimes they leave us behind, not because they want to but because they simply have to. It doesn't make them horrible people, it just makes them people who somehow weren't compatible with us and who were trying to do the best they can to protect themselves and their hearts from us.

No One's Hero But My Own.

So maybe there really is no one out there for you, maybe it's just you biding time with others till the time comes when you realise, that it's all you, that only you yourself can change your life: for the better or the worse, and that you were your own saviour. You were your own hero all along.

Somewhere along the line I forgot this, in the back of my head I knew it but in reality I forgot to give myself the credit that I deserved. I somehow ended up associating all my success, all my handwork..everything, with one person. The problem however was that that person was not me.
So I forgot to appreciate myself.
Somehow over time all that hurt faded, and now I can't even fathom to feel anything close to it. I don't know if it was Anay who helped with it or the simple fact that I worked my ass off and actually turned my life around after hitting my rock bottom, that today I don't have to feel that kind off disappointment in myself.

I feel as if every time I told people about how Anay was the first person I could actually talk to about how I felt and just everything in general, I forgot to mention or to even acknowledge the simple and the most important fact that the only reason I could do that, was because after years of keeping everything locked inside of me, I finally found the courage in myself to finally let someone see the real me willingly. So somehow over time even I myself forgot to acknowledge this, and by doing so I started giving someone else all the credit that was earned by me.

It's weird how in a few short months so much can change: first I changed from feeling alone to feeling as if someone got me, the me that was sceptical about love, the me that spoke the truths that no one else spoke (of course now I know that I was gravely mistaken), then there was the time when I felt an inexplicable acceptance that was such an absolute in itself, that I still remember feeling safe, even though the person responsible for me feeling so was sitting in an entirely different continent. Then there was the anger and confusion that took over, as to why was it that someone who would tell me everything about his life, every small detail, someone with whom I connected on such a level that it literally blew my mind, would somehow not have the courage to just accept that he liked me or that at least he knew that I was in love with him, and had been rightly so for quite a while. Then came the insecurities: why was it that people could always like but never truly be in love with me, that people could be friends with me but never remain friends with me, why everyone gave up on me, and why no one ever stuck it out and said "We'll get through this shit. Together."

Right now I'm not sure as to where I stand, all I know is that after a long time I feel good, without the need to cry about a guy or feel as if that's my only story. I see myself getting inspired again, seeing ordinary things that mesmerise me, because they are so ordinarily extraordinary, that I can't help but just stop in the middle of tracks and just stare.

Dreams Don't Bow In Front Of Pedestrian Mindsets.

All of us have a story to tell. Some of us tell our stories through words and some tell theirs through their actions and by the decisions they make. I want to be the second kind. But one thing you realise is that being that second kind is not easy. It takes constant work, constant self-improvisation. You need to push yourself till you feel as if at any point you might fall apart, and when you do fall apart...you don't whine about your battle wounds, you simply pull yourself back together and get back up for your dreams, and then you push yourself a little more, until you are invincible in your own right.

I want my story to be heard through every decision I ever make, even when I don't know what I'm doing. I want my dreams to come first. My dreams should never have to bow in front of pedestrian mindsets. I want to be able to believe in my ambitions even when no one else does.

Some People Are Left Behind.

A few months back I realised that all I could talk about was this one guy. It was as if he had become my entire back story, which was scary. Especially since he longer was in my life.
I decided that things had to change. I couldn't mope around forever, no matter how much he had mattered.
The one thing I realised through all this is that the people who mattered are still in my life, even if I might not tell them how much they matter to me (P.S. yes, even you Aanchal :P). Not to say that he didn't matter, because if I said that, then I'd be lying. But I guess my point is that though he was one of the most important people in my life, today he is just that, someone who used to be important but today he is simply a part of my past. Which although sad, is a part of life.

Does Anyone Feel What I Feel?

I often wonder if anyone ever feels anything as strong as what I feel for others. The problem with people is that they are too shy or too scared. Too scared of being made fun of, of being rejected, of simply not being understood, that they forget that the reason of telling someone how we feel about them is simply because we feel what we feel and that everyone deserves to know that someone out there feels just as passionately about them as they might do for other people.

I'm not saying that it's easy, saying what you feel, especially if it means a lot to you, but that's the thing you see, I realised that people, when they really care do take the chance despite of being nervous as fuck about how it may turn out.

But then of course there are the people who simply never muster up the courage to go after something  or someone that they feel really passionately about. All because they are too scared of what others might think. That I think is the saddest thing of all: never having had the guts to even try.

Failure and rejection are a part of life, evidence of the fact that we took the chance, that we did take that leap of faith, but imagine not having tried and lying on your death bed many many years from now and wondering: What if?

Because I'm in a senti mode and because that is still one of the best things anyone has ever done for me.

People Are The Grey In Their Own Lives.

It's weird how out of all the people we come in contact with, only a very few make any real impact on us and even fewer actually stay with us. When I was younger, I was a strong believer that everyone who comes into our lives changes us -for good or for bad. But as you grow up you realise that all those things that you considered precious and those people whom you thought to be irreplaceable were in reality not all that that you made them out to be. Then I wonder if I would still be the same person as I am today without those people or those things.
One more thing that you learn growing up is that not everything is black and white. Sometimes things are grey. This contradicts what I believed for the past few months, but not in the ways that count.
I think that people are often the grey in their own lives, and not things. It is we who make things harder for ourselves. We choose the things that do not help us grow. We choose people who hold us back instead of nurturing us. The worst part, you ask, is that most of the time we make these decisions consciously, even when we know the end result.

Only because I love you bestie and you are the exact opposite of grey.

Give Me A Coffee And A Mind-Boggling Conversation Over Sex.

There is no space in my life for lies and games. You either like me for who I am or simply don't be a part of my life. It's that simple. I will not make the extra effort to get to know you unless something about you shouts out to me, or makes me think "That's the kind off person I want to surround myself with." No more wasting time on people that don't make any impact on your life, or give you goosebumps, or the people who simply do not put in the same effort to stay in your life as you do to be a part of their's. It is a waste of your time, energy and at the end of the day leaves you feeling broken and useless.
I absolutely refuse to feel that way about myself, no matter for whom, much less for people that never  
loved me or cared enough for me.

I've realised that I could've had a million people around me, whom I call my "friends" but at the end of the day if I can't hold a mindbogglingly honest conversation with them, then they aren't really my friends, are they?

See that's why I think people give sex a lot more importance than it truly deserves. Sure it can be wonderful but it's just that. Sex. No matter how good it is, unless you feel something for the person you're with at that moment, at the end of the day it's just sex. Now don't confuse lust with actual emotions. See there's where I don't understand people, they pay so much heed to sex; good or bad, whether you're open about it or whether it's almost a taboo. I'd rather have a liberating conversation with someone who makes me see things in a different way, think things I'd never thought of before, with whom I can say what I want to without having to think twice, with whom I can discuss all my hopes and dreams, who's intellect is at par with mine. I think in life we need somebody that makes love to our mind before ever laying a hand on our body.

Through Change, We Evolve.

I learnt something in 2014, that sometimes for some people you never will be enough. Not because there is something wrong with you but because they are too scared to take a leap of faith for something that they want, something that could probably turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to them, all because they are too scared of leaving behind their comfortable lives.

They absolutely refuse to leave their comfort zone, even if the truth is staring them in the face: that their comfort is no longer to their benefit and that it's time for some change.

A few years back I too was scared of change, I always wanted things to remain the way they were. Only in the recent years did I realise that only through change do we evolve. Only when we leave the things and the people that weigh us down,in our past,can we move on to find the things and the people that help us fly.

Bittersweet Old Pictures.

Looking at old photos can be breathtakingly beautiful or heartbreakingly sad. And sometimes it nudges at something ancient in you that once used to exist inside of you but now is just a part of your history that you've merely accepted. It's almost unreal how much you and along with the relationships  you held changed. The people who mattered the most to you last year are merely strangers this year. And the ones whom you never even dreamed of meeting are some of the best people you've ever come across. Pictures capture moments, moments that will never come back. Probably that is exactly why we are obsessed with pictures. We think that if we capture that picture then maybe, just maybe we might be able hold on to that moment forever. In a way it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen and at the same time one of the saddest things I've ever thought of.

CLEANING FOR DAD.

So my dad just came here today, for almost a week. Since yesterday the only thing I've done is clean everything. And get drunk. While cleaning everything. I literally woke up at 4:40 am today and started cleaning. Ugghh but the entire day almost every smell possible made me want to throw up my guts, which is when I remembered why I don't like drinking often.

Today apart from the "cleaning" I absolutely got no other work done. Does watching CID count?

Then today morning I finally wrote back to Jakob and as usual no reply, which I guess is valid, since I replied to his reply, but hey I know people who even reply to my smileys with a bunch of their own.

NEW GIRL.

NEW GIRL.

One of the most important things in life is being at peace with yourself. I would've never known that I would turn out to be who I am today. And I have to say, I am pretty damn proud of who I am today.
I know that I won't always be this person and that change in inevitable but you know what I no longer am afraid of it. Just a few months back I felt so lost and I thought that, when I lost my best friend, Anay with whom I was in love with, I felt as if I lost myself too. I no longer knew who I was and what I wanted to be. I guess it was especially hard because I liked the person I was then because I worked hard to be that person, someone I was proud to be. So it was just hard to feel as if everything I had worked towards was just slipping from me and that I no longer cared. I still don't know when exactly I stopped being that girl who was hurting to this girl writing this post.

Who would've imagined five years ago when I'd literally choke up even at the thought of sharing something that really mattered to me with someone, that I'd be writing all this on a blog with a huge possibility that people I know may actually read it. So even right now, sitting in my dark room, past midnight, it is just astonishing as to how much can change in such a little time. 

First Love.

My first love was my best friend. I know it sounds so clichéd but still. I always wondered if I would ever feel anything like what other people felt. If truly there was any truth to all the crap that people say you feel or expect out of a relationship. Surprisingly it is true. For the first time in my life I understood how utterly emancipating it felt to be able to tell someone everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I realised that no amount of lust could ever replace the meaning of a liberating conversation with a person who got you. But he didn't become my best friend till a long time after. So it's more like I became best friends with the boy I liked. The falling in love came afterwards. Although we were never in a relationship (he had a girlfriend) it never felt like just friendship. I know sometimes the line between the two can be blurry but as I grow older I realise that although blurry, the line is recognisable. In the end I got my heart broken and the worst part is I even lost my best friend in the process. And that really sucked. I felt so lost and alone. I didn't understand what to do.
Imagine not being able to talk to the only person who you think really understands you or moreover the only person you wanted to talk to. Not a great experience. I wanted him to be a best friend goddammit. I wanted him to ask me how I was doing or to talk about the problem. I wanted him to tell me that even though shit may be awkward between us right now, that we'll get through it together.
But he never did...
Even after knowing all my insecurities about how I feel as if people always give up on me and never really stick around. He did just that. He gave up.  

Philosophy And Translating Don't Go Together.

Here I am sitting on the eve of my MKE test, signing myself up for side jobs. Man I need the money to travel. Sure I could ask my parents for the cash but frankly who wants to deal with all the questions  they'll pose and I doubt my dad's going to agree to pay for all the vacations I want to take. So yeah I need a job.. one that pays something.

I've been thinking about studying Philosophy next year. Who knew so many people studied it nowadays and that it could actually be helpful? Currently I'm taking an online course on Philosophy just to get a feel for it. I just completed one session today. It's still too early to judge. Now the problem is that if I do end up studying that or frankly anything, it'll most probably be in German. And that's fine but in a subject like Philosophy it would be a shame if the entire time I'm translating everything I hear rather than actually paying attention in class. But it's still a long way to go. I should go study MKE now. No like really. Ok bye now.

Second Time Is The Charm.

Okay this is my second try at this blog thing. Last time didn't go to well. Firstly its kind off nerve wracking to have your entire life up for some stranger to read. Secondly it way worse when someone you know stumbles upon your blog, where you've been ranting about how you think you're in love with this boy from your German class, which I'm pretty sure my parents saw, seeing how I logged on from the Ipad last time I tried my hand at this. So just in case you are reading this: Hi Mom and Dad and now is the time when you should stop reading.

Hopefully second time's the charm mostly because most of my friends are back in home, which means they are in a whole different continent, and that my new friends hardly understand English and I don't see myself posting anything in German anytime soon. So now that is sorted let's get to heart of the matter.

One major reason I started this blog and that new Instagram account is because I finally feel as if I can write good stuff without automatically hoarding it for my novel, that I someday will write. So from hereon no more hoarding.

And just incase someone didn't notice, the Instagram account isn't really about photography, more like the captions.

Well that's the end of my first post. Peace Out.

https://instagram.com/101wanderlust/