The Person I Want To Be.

So I’m sitting here listening to Fix You by Coldplay, in my room on a normal Monday, trying to learn for my pending Math SA (test), when I started thinking about the kind of person I want to be, and I realised I want to be what I am right now. Despite everything I turned out to be a pretty decent person. I want to be nice and do nice things for other people. I want to be able to let go of anger towards others who wronged me and I want to be able to forgive; others and myself. I want to do what I want. Sure there may be times when I doubt myself and my decisions, when I’m scared of making a choice, a change, for it may turn my entire world upside down, but I want to be able to forge ahead despite the fear of change. I want to live up to my own expectations and standards and not to those, set by others. I don’t want to be normal. I want to be different. I want to make a change, no matter how small or inconsequential it might seen. And above all, I want to be happy.

Lustenau 2014.

Getting Back My Former Best Friend.

Okay, so I have this weird urge to write. Something, that I haven't experienced in quite a while. Just when I needed a computer, all of them were already occupied (P.S. I'm in school).

I realised, although I worked very hard to change myself and frankly went to hell and back, that now I'm just throwing that fact in peoples' face and that not everyone's felt that severe disappointment in themselves, that would motivate them to turn their life around. Most of my now closest friends don't even get what I'm talking about because they didn't know me back then.
The people, who do realise what I really mean are Gorad and all (actually only Gorad). Even she wasn't there when the actual transition first started.

The only person, who knows and understands what I mean, apart from me (and my family, maybe?), is A.

Yesterday it just hit me, when I was thinking about how D wasn't even there then, that A and I, we survived things that people only hope that they'd have someone there, supporting them when shit hits the fan. And I really mean it from a best friends point of view.

It makes me wonder for the first time ever, if I should try to somehow get in touch with him again. If what we had, was probably worth another try to get my former best friend back?

We'd never again be what we used to be, but you know what, that's okay. Maybe it IS okay that things won't be the same.

For some reason I no longer want the same kind off friendship/relationship with him anymore.

EIGHTEEN IS NO AGE FOR LIFE TO TURN MUNDANE.

I was just reading my previous posts, and it just seems as if an entirely different person wrote them. Someone braver, someone who wasn't afraid of making mistakes, who knew her mind but at the same always kept finding out something new about herself. Someone who accepted change.

I've realised that I've somehow gotten stuck in a rut. In the past two months I don't remember anything particular changing about me, other than my hair colour for a few days.
Which makes me wonder: What am I doing with my life?
I literally wasted my eighteenth birthday, something that's supposed to be memorable. And not just because you can finally drink here, but because eighteen years ago on this very day, something special happened. Something that resulted in me being here, at this very moment, doing what I am doing right now. 
What did I do, you ask. Let me tell you. NOTHING.

I feel as if I should be doing something with my life, as if I should be doing everything that my younger self thought I'd be doing at eighteen. I mean we get only one chance at this life. If we're too scared to even take that one chance, then what are we really left with? 

You know what, that will be my new resolution. I want to do everything, that I at some point in my life dreamed of doing at eighteen. After all this life is too short for it to be treated as something mundane.

Something I Would Never Do.

I think I settled. That's what happened. Can that be true? But at some point in life we just have to decide that this is it, this is what we are to do. It just happens that I've already decided. I know that there was a valid reason for me choosing this. I wanted something, something that motivated me. And this was my way to getting closer to it, but did I in the process, just settle for something that no longer excites me? Settling. Something I'd promised myself I'd never do.

We've Outgrown Each Other.

So I haven't posted in a while. There really wasn't much to write about. I know, my life's sad as fuck.

I just realised that no matter how much you love someone, or rather loved someone before, it makes absolutely no difference when you've moved on with your life. I meant, love someone as a friend loves a friend, rather than being in love with someone.

It's weird how the very things that at one point seemed to be the reason for an amazing friendship, seem to be exactly why a future relationship with that person may never work out. In the past few years I've realised that you outgrow people, even the ones you love. They may always hold a special place in your heart, but that is about it.
Which brings me to the question: Exactly how many people outgrew me?

It doesn't seem to bother me, I guess because now I understand that some people just aren't good for you, and that you HAVE to put yourself first.

The thing is I've become so accustomed to being able to judge who would be a good influence in my life, and most of the times I'm right, that every so often I want to be proved wrong. I want people to astonish me and make me realise that they are more, more than what I estimated them to be. Just like I wanted him to prove me wrong. I wanted him to bet on himself for once. Truth be said, I was almost sad as to what could have been, or rather what could be.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too scared of falling off of the edge. I think my problem is that I know exactly for what I'd be willing to risk everything, and sometimes I just push people away, or rather do not even end up giving them a chance, because I know beforehand that they just don't possess what I need, or rather desire from them. At first I just accepted it as a part of growing up, but to be honest I don't want to grow up. Sometimes I still want to be that 13 year old girl, who loved going to school because everyday there was something new to gossip about. 

Help Is Found Where It Is Needed To Be Found.

You know I am a big believer of the fact that, we do need help every once in while and that ninety percent of the time we have to ask for the help that we need. There's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it.But then where do we draw the line and realise that the help we are getting is simply making us dependent on someone else and that it is time to stand up and help ourselves. A lot of times in life YOU will have to help yourself-maybe because no one else is there to lean on, or because you are the only one who truly understands the situation at hand. Whatever the reason there may be many a times in your life where you will simply have to be your own hero.

For example: A few years back I thought that asking for help or rather needing help is a sign of weakness. Something that I thought I could never afford to be: Weak. But then I realised that everyone needs a little help from time to time, that I didn't always have to be so put together and strong and that it was okay to tell people how I felt.. I still remember the very first time that I told anyone how I felt, how I really felt and how much it hurt sometimes. I felt as if someone had taken a huge weight off of my shoulders. I think, that was one of the bravest things I've ever done in my life:deciding to seek help, to let someone close to me see me for who I am, without all the gloss, understanding that maybe the person may not be there for me tomorrow, but that it was high time and that if we were to be friends then it was all or nothing. He had to take the good with the bad. And frankly that was one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

But then a few months back I realised that I was seeking or rather trying to seek a little too much of help. I was constantly waiting for someone else to come along and take the load off of my chest and be my hero, until I realised that it was upto me to deal with my own problems and that sometimes in life there isn't really anyone there who can help you the way you want them to.

At such times in life you have to be able to look to yourself for the help you seek.