No One's Hero But My Own.

So maybe there really is no one out there for you, maybe it's just you biding time with others till the time comes when you realise, that it's all you, that only you yourself can change your life: for the better or the worse, and that you were your own saviour. You were your own hero all along.

Somewhere along the line I forgot this, in the back of my head I knew it but in reality I forgot to give myself the credit that I deserved. I somehow ended up associating all my success, all my handwork..everything, with one person. The problem however was that that person was not me.
So I forgot to appreciate myself.
Somehow over time all that hurt faded, and now I can't even fathom to feel anything close to it. I don't know if it was Anay who helped with it or the simple fact that I worked my ass off and actually turned my life around after hitting my rock bottom, that today I don't have to feel that kind off disappointment in myself.

I feel as if every time I told people about how Anay was the first person I could actually talk to about how I felt and just everything in general, I forgot to mention or to even acknowledge the simple and the most important fact that the only reason I could do that, was because after years of keeping everything locked inside of me, I finally found the courage in myself to finally let someone see the real me willingly. So somehow over time even I myself forgot to acknowledge this, and by doing so I started giving someone else all the credit that was earned by me.

It's weird how in a few short months so much can change: first I changed from feeling alone to feeling as if someone got me, the me that was sceptical about love, the me that spoke the truths that no one else spoke (of course now I know that I was gravely mistaken), then there was the time when I felt an inexplicable acceptance that was such an absolute in itself, that I still remember feeling safe, even though the person responsible for me feeling so was sitting in an entirely different continent. Then there was the anger and confusion that took over, as to why was it that someone who would tell me everything about his life, every small detail, someone with whom I connected on such a level that it literally blew my mind, would somehow not have the courage to just accept that he liked me or that at least he knew that I was in love with him, and had been rightly so for quite a while. Then came the insecurities: why was it that people could always like but never truly be in love with me, that people could be friends with me but never remain friends with me, why everyone gave up on me, and why no one ever stuck it out and said "We'll get through this shit. Together."

Right now I'm not sure as to where I stand, all I know is that after a long time I feel good, without the need to cry about a guy or feel as if that's my only story. I see myself getting inspired again, seeing ordinary things that mesmerise me, because they are so ordinarily extraordinary, that I can't help but just stop in the middle of tracks and just stare.

Dreams Don't Bow In Front Of Pedestrian Mindsets.

All of us have a story to tell. Some of us tell our stories through words and some tell theirs through their actions and by the decisions they make. I want to be the second kind. But one thing you realise is that being that second kind is not easy. It takes constant work, constant self-improvisation. You need to push yourself till you feel as if at any point you might fall apart, and when you do fall apart...you don't whine about your battle wounds, you simply pull yourself back together and get back up for your dreams, and then you push yourself a little more, until you are invincible in your own right.

I want my story to be heard through every decision I ever make, even when I don't know what I'm doing. I want my dreams to come first. My dreams should never have to bow in front of pedestrian mindsets. I want to be able to believe in my ambitions even when no one else does.

Some People Are Left Behind.

A few months back I realised that all I could talk about was this one guy. It was as if he had become my entire back story, which was scary. Especially since he longer was in my life.
I decided that things had to change. I couldn't mope around forever, no matter how much he had mattered.
The one thing I realised through all this is that the people who mattered are still in my life, even if I might not tell them how much they matter to me (P.S. yes, even you Aanchal :P). Not to say that he didn't matter, because if I said that, then I'd be lying. But I guess my point is that though he was one of the most important people in my life, today he is just that, someone who used to be important but today he is simply a part of my past. Which although sad, is a part of life.

Does Anyone Feel What I Feel?

I often wonder if anyone ever feels anything as strong as what I feel for others. The problem with people is that they are too shy or too scared. Too scared of being made fun of, of being rejected, of simply not being understood, that they forget that the reason of telling someone how we feel about them is simply because we feel what we feel and that everyone deserves to know that someone out there feels just as passionately about them as they might do for other people.

I'm not saying that it's easy, saying what you feel, especially if it means a lot to you, but that's the thing you see, I realised that people, when they really care do take the chance despite of being nervous as fuck about how it may turn out.

But then of course there are the people who simply never muster up the courage to go after something  or someone that they feel really passionately about. All because they are too scared of what others might think. That I think is the saddest thing of all: never having had the guts to even try.

Failure and rejection are a part of life, evidence of the fact that we took the chance, that we did take that leap of faith, but imagine not having tried and lying on your death bed many many years from now and wondering: What if?

Because I'm in a senti mode and because that is still one of the best things anyone has ever done for me.

People Are The Grey In Their Own Lives.

It's weird how out of all the people we come in contact with, only a very few make any real impact on us and even fewer actually stay with us. When I was younger, I was a strong believer that everyone who comes into our lives changes us -for good or for bad. But as you grow up you realise that all those things that you considered precious and those people whom you thought to be irreplaceable were in reality not all that that you made them out to be. Then I wonder if I would still be the same person as I am today without those people or those things.
One more thing that you learn growing up is that not everything is black and white. Sometimes things are grey. This contradicts what I believed for the past few months, but not in the ways that count.
I think that people are often the grey in their own lives, and not things. It is we who make things harder for ourselves. We choose the things that do not help us grow. We choose people who hold us back instead of nurturing us. The worst part, you ask, is that most of the time we make these decisions consciously, even when we know the end result.

Only because I love you bestie and you are the exact opposite of grey.

Give Me A Coffee And A Mind-Boggling Conversation Over Sex.

There is no space in my life for lies and games. You either like me for who I am or simply don't be a part of my life. It's that simple. I will not make the extra effort to get to know you unless something about you shouts out to me, or makes me think "That's the kind off person I want to surround myself with." No more wasting time on people that don't make any impact on your life, or give you goosebumps, or the people who simply do not put in the same effort to stay in your life as you do to be a part of their's. It is a waste of your time, energy and at the end of the day leaves you feeling broken and useless.
I absolutely refuse to feel that way about myself, no matter for whom, much less for people that never  
loved me or cared enough for me.

I've realised that I could've had a million people around me, whom I call my "friends" but at the end of the day if I can't hold a mindbogglingly honest conversation with them, then they aren't really my friends, are they?

See that's why I think people give sex a lot more importance than it truly deserves. Sure it can be wonderful but it's just that. Sex. No matter how good it is, unless you feel something for the person you're with at that moment, at the end of the day it's just sex. Now don't confuse lust with actual emotions. See there's where I don't understand people, they pay so much heed to sex; good or bad, whether you're open about it or whether it's almost a taboo. I'd rather have a liberating conversation with someone who makes me see things in a different way, think things I'd never thought of before, with whom I can say what I want to without having to think twice, with whom I can discuss all my hopes and dreams, who's intellect is at par with mine. I think in life we need somebody that makes love to our mind before ever laying a hand on our body.

Through Change, We Evolve.

I learnt something in 2014, that sometimes for some people you never will be enough. Not because there is something wrong with you but because they are too scared to take a leap of faith for something that they want, something that could probably turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to them, all because they are too scared of leaving behind their comfortable lives.

They absolutely refuse to leave their comfort zone, even if the truth is staring them in the face: that their comfort is no longer to their benefit and that it's time for some change.

A few years back I too was scared of change, I always wanted things to remain the way they were. Only in the recent years did I realise that only through change do we evolve. Only when we leave the things and the people that weigh us down,in our past,can we move on to find the things and the people that help us fly.

Bittersweet Old Pictures.

Looking at old photos can be breathtakingly beautiful or heartbreakingly sad. And sometimes it nudges at something ancient in you that once used to exist inside of you but now is just a part of your history that you've merely accepted. It's almost unreal how much you and along with the relationships  you held changed. The people who mattered the most to you last year are merely strangers this year. And the ones whom you never even dreamed of meeting are some of the best people you've ever come across. Pictures capture moments, moments that will never come back. Probably that is exactly why we are obsessed with pictures. We think that if we capture that picture then maybe, just maybe we might be able hold on to that moment forever. In a way it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen and at the same time one of the saddest things I've ever thought of.

CLEANING FOR DAD.

So my dad just came here today, for almost a week. Since yesterday the only thing I've done is clean everything. And get drunk. While cleaning everything. I literally woke up at 4:40 am today and started cleaning. Ugghh but the entire day almost every smell possible made me want to throw up my guts, which is when I remembered why I don't like drinking often.

Today apart from the "cleaning" I absolutely got no other work done. Does watching CID count?

Then today morning I finally wrote back to Jakob and as usual no reply, which I guess is valid, since I replied to his reply, but hey I know people who even reply to my smileys with a bunch of their own.

NEW GIRL.

NEW GIRL.

One of the most important things in life is being at peace with yourself. I would've never known that I would turn out to be who I am today. And I have to say, I am pretty damn proud of who I am today.
I know that I won't always be this person and that change in inevitable but you know what I no longer am afraid of it. Just a few months back I felt so lost and I thought that, when I lost my best friend, Anay with whom I was in love with, I felt as if I lost myself too. I no longer knew who I was and what I wanted to be. I guess it was especially hard because I liked the person I was then because I worked hard to be that person, someone I was proud to be. So it was just hard to feel as if everything I had worked towards was just slipping from me and that I no longer cared. I still don't know when exactly I stopped being that girl who was hurting to this girl writing this post.

Who would've imagined five years ago when I'd literally choke up even at the thought of sharing something that really mattered to me with someone, that I'd be writing all this on a blog with a huge possibility that people I know may actually read it. So even right now, sitting in my dark room, past midnight, it is just astonishing as to how much can change in such a little time.