The Eleven Phases.

19th February, 2016 Brand, Voralberg.

I was reading these things that I had written last year around this time, starting from my return after the Winter Break up until the morning of my first ski lesson. I do not know what I felt when I read about these things and these feelings that took place in my life last year. All I know is that I felt something.

I read this thing about how, let us say, Jessie made me feel last year. As if I could have it all, as if I did not have to choose. As if..somehow I would find my way in life. I had my entire life to find my way. After all is that not what life is all about.

Then things changed. My entire life did not feel long enough. I was always in this race to do everything and feel everything as if it could be taken away from me any second.

I went through many phases since that conversation with him. First, came the pure exhilaration at finally understanding that I could really do what I wanted to do with my life. Second, came the loneliness and depression around June. Third, came the realisation that you just have to let some people go because they will never be good for you. Fourth, came the boy phase. Fifth, came the point where I finally realised that I just wasted three months on useless people when I really should have been concentration on school. Sixth, came the part where I realised that there was no heartbreak that I am going to feel because although maybe at some point it had mattered, he had mattered to me, that feeling was long gone. Seventh, came the realisation that I do not and will not need anybody. Eighth, came the phase where I was tired of being this narcissistic self- absorbed girl that I had become, so I made some changes. Ninth, came the emancipation from finally after months of always having someone to lean on, to just be alone and be fine with, to just be able to listen to music and clean my house, or just be able to curl up on my couch and watch my favourite TV series. Tenth, came the self-doubt and uncertainty after just spending a day with him after a year. Eleventh, came the good sense to accept that nothing is going to happen between us and that it is actually a good thing.

So these were my eleven phases.