INNSBRUCK.

So today I had gone to Innsbruck with Kevin, and although we missed two trains (one in the morning and one in the evening) it was pretty amazing. When I say amazing, I do not mean life changing, just mean fun. As the day proceeded we found out that I have an ice-cream dance (Eistanz), and we discovered a new instrument- The Hang. This one guy had been playing this soulful melody as he sat on a chair outside a shop in this one small quiet alley in an otherwise loud Innsbruck.

We also visited the university and basically just walked through the city.
Weirdly enough it did not feel as if we were in some foreign city, it felt as if we were a part of the city. I guess this is just how a big city makes you feel.
The other thing that I realised is that I maybe miss living in a city. This city felt more like home to me than the place where I stay. Maybe it felt like this because I had a friend by my side cracking stupid jokes and laughing at my antiques.

Then, after we missed our train back home, I dragged Kevin back into the city because who would want to sit in the train station for the next two hours. Well, me. I won't lie, the temptation to just sit in the McDonald's there was present but I was not ready for the day to get over just then. I wanted to see the city once more.

I guess, when you see enough places in life, you realise, that all of them are essentially the same, the only difference lies in how and with whom you experience them.

The Eleven Phases.

19th February, 2016 Brand, Voralberg.

I was reading these things that I had written last year around this time, starting from my return after the Winter Break up until the morning of my first ski lesson. I do not know what I felt when I read about these things and these feelings that took place in my life last year. All I know is that I felt something.

I read this thing about how, let us say, Jessie made me feel last year. As if I could have it all, as if I did not have to choose. As if..somehow I would find my way in life. I had my entire life to find my way. After all is that not what life is all about.

Then things changed. My entire life did not feel long enough. I was always in this race to do everything and feel everything as if it could be taken away from me any second.

I went through many phases since that conversation with him. First, came the pure exhilaration at finally understanding that I could really do what I wanted to do with my life. Second, came the loneliness and depression around June. Third, came the realisation that you just have to let some people go because they will never be good for you. Fourth, came the boy phase. Fifth, came the point where I finally realised that I just wasted three months on useless people when I really should have been concentration on school. Sixth, came the part where I realised that there was no heartbreak that I am going to feel because although maybe at some point it had mattered, he had mattered to me, that feeling was long gone. Seventh, came the realisation that I do not and will not need anybody. Eighth, came the phase where I was tired of being this narcissistic self- absorbed girl that I had become, so I made some changes. Ninth, came the emancipation from finally after months of always having someone to lean on, to just be alone and be fine with, to just be able to listen to music and clean my house, or just be able to curl up on my couch and watch my favourite TV series. Tenth, came the self-doubt and uncertainty after just spending a day with him after a year. Eleventh, came the good sense to accept that nothing is going to happen between us and that it is actually a good thing.

So these were my eleven phases.

BAD DAYS.

I realised something yesterday, that in life we will encounter a great many situations and people that might probably be less than ideal, but it is neither the situations nor the people, that shape us, rather our reaction to these situations and people that makes us who we are.

This is something I had known for quite a while, but when I read this yesterday, it just struck a chord within me. In that moment I realised that yes, I have met my fair share of fucked up people and I have been in fucked up situations, but it isn not those situations or those people that defined me or made me into who I am, it was how I handled those situations and those people.

Just because I know this, it does not mean that I do not have my bad days, when it seems like no matter what I do, I just don’t seem to be able to achieve what I want, or when everything just feels so empty, when the only thing I sometimes feel is loneliness, when the best thing you could do, is crawl up into a ball in your bed and not move from there until all your tears have dried up.

The other thing that I have learned is that these moments pass. It may take a while, but it will pass, and before you know it, it will be something that is a part of your past. Something that you know was real, hell, it was probably the most honest thing that you ever felt, but for some reason after all this time, it just feels so unreal, almost as if it had never really happened to you, and you had just been a bystander looking in from the outside.